Hail!  Glory be to the holy yellow desert juice!

Here in the land of desert dreams, I, Lord Gong, rule my much custard referred to land!  As has been mentioned, on various occasions, I
reside in a pastry castle ( mmm, pastry ) surrounded by a pure ( Devon-made no less ) custard moat.  My lands stretch far and wide, and are circumnavigated ( ooh! ) by a river of custard.  As has also been mentioned, with much distaste, my subjects congregate at it's banks to slurp it's yellowy goodness!

Only one thing disrupts the peace and tranquility of this happy land,
the evil forces of Queen Bitch Lister and her odious minions, Swiss Andy and techno genius, Halo ( also known as God in certain
circles ).  Despite blasphomous rumours made to my good self, Bitch Lister, who would have you believe she's all sweetness and light, is the bitchiest entity ever to have lived!  All men, in particular, should fear for their lives.  If you do not meet her specific requirements ie if you are nota 'beautiful man', then she will hound you to your death, with talk of all her current favourites ( note: that wet lettuce who plays Pyro in new X-Men film, pap! ).  Swiss Andy, "You know, living in Switzerland is a lot like making love to a beautiful woman...........!"  Need I say more?  As for Halo, ooh, fear ye all who try to get the better of her, for she shall sunder you with her technical wizardry!  Despite this, however, she does supply the Land of Custard, with a plentiful supply of the finest cider in all Christendom!

In the cold, Northern hills, there lives a moody cave dweller,
sometimes known as Sweep, but, more often 'that bastard who likes that torture music.'
  He is a miserable, lonely soul, who rarely sees the light of day,
but, when is visible is quite pleasant and the thing about the barn owl, so funny!  His lover, Cardiff, lives far off in the lands of the East.

Dauurrrnnnn Soouffff, is a land in the southern quarter of the Land of
Custard.  Here resides another house of royalty, headed by Queen
Charlie and King Dave.  They don't speak the language of Gong, but, talk in a bizarre fashion, whereby, the lower jaw juts out at every exclamation eg  in particular when saying a typical Soouffff phrase "apples and pears."

Towards the West, there are the volcanic wastes of Sex City and
Fuckland.  Sex City is ruled by the madam of sin, Maren the Great ( ****ing excellent, actually! ).  Never let it be said that life is boring in this city.  Fuckland is made up of long, deep valleys with excellent echoes.  It is here that the Keeper of the Nine Baskets lives.  She is often to be found fecking and blinding at the top of her voice, grinning with glee, as her fecks resound through the valleys.

Ha, and you thought this would all be about custard!