Good Evening, and welcome to NEWSatTWEM, with me, Kirsty Buns.
BONG- Popular news presenter Trevor McDonut has been blasted into space. The incident happened on Saturday, when it is believed an odd experiment went wrong. Details are hazy, but Christine George Formby Reid, 14, from Bromborough has been released on bail in connection with the incident. "I just wanted a posh site! Was that too much to ask?", blubbed the accused caravan saleswoman. Ancient astronomer Patrick Moore said "I don't know how it happened, but he should be visible over the Southern Hemisphere, just to the left of Venus, on the night of the 23rd". Here at NEWSatTWEM, news of his unscheduled mission has been received with a mixture of shock and amusement. Popular news reader and botanist Dermot Hernia said "Trevor's been threatening to do this, ever since I left for the BBC and became the most popular and successful newsreader ever. Ive got my own daytime quiz, y'know". Less popular newsreader Katie Eggandspam giggled "It's just like Trevor, we never know what hes going to do next. Does it mean his job's available now? I can see it now - 'Tonight with Katie Eggandspam'". Anyone with any information on McDonut's disappearance, or on the best mid-price 6-berth caravan, is asked to ring the incident room on 0898-SEXY-TREV.
BONG- A young woman from Wirral has been detained by the FBI this evening on charges of celebrity-tampering. Karen Felicity Kendal Creamer, from Bromborough, is charged with forcing celebrities into unusual situations, in an elaborate attempt to successfully complete rounds of popular parlour game 'Six degrees of Kevin Bacon'. One incident last week saw Nicholas Parsons abducted and drugged after answering his door, waking 36 hours later in Cameron Diazs kitchen. Police believe Creamer was attempting a tenuous link between Drew Barrymore and Lionel Blair. "I wouldn't mind so much, but she still only got the link in 8 stages", said Parsons, still visibly excited by the incident. A second incident, which saw Sandra Bullock being parachuted onto Jeremy Spake, is being investigated. Gregory Pifflewag, of the British Kevin Bacon Society, said "it's quite clearly cheating. I think its a disgrace, and Kevin will be beside himself when he hears this news". Kevin Bacon was last night too busy trying to link himeslf to Neighbours' Helen Daniels to comment.
BONG- Police in Wallasey are becoming increasingly alarmed by the continued disappearance of a local resident. Guy Green, 42, has not been seen since October, and his friends are becoming increasingly forgetful when his name is mentioned. "Who? Oh, yeah, him", said former colleague Nikki McFerret, whilst brother Mat said "I think he disappeared under a pile of jiffy bags about 3 months ago. He owes me a fiver, too". Inspector Fred Feelmatwattocks, of Wallasey CID said "We believe he may have been without internet access for a period and has simply disintegrated as a result. If he doesnt come forward in a week or so, well have to log him as missing, presumed without internet access". Howard Buglesmuggler, of the National Institute of Luddites said "Good. Were glad he's vanished, we can do without people who like this newfangled stuff. Balls to him, and his spinning jennies and his wireless. Its not like the old days, y'know". John McTadger-Sprinkle-Cacksurfer, from the Society for Feigning Unavailability For Comment on Media Enquiries (SFUFCOME) was unavailable for comment.
BONG- Custard shortages are continuing in the North West of England, after further large supplies of the sweet yellow substance were stolen last week. Police are reluctant to link the latest string of incidents with the great custard slick that appeared off the Wallasey coast late last year, but Chief Constable Arnold Fluffwank of the Custard division of the National Desserts Squad admitted that investigations are currently centred on the Merseyside area. "Admittedly, investigations are centred on the Merseyside area currently", he said. Consumers have been advised not to be alarmed, but already panic buying has cleared the shelves in Kwik Save, Oswaldtwistle. The manager there told me "people are even buying gravy, just so they've got something to pour. Ive never seen anything like it, and I've been here for 6 weeks now". Police are reluctant to name any suspects at present, but finger licking has-been Craig Charles is rumored to have gone into hiding.
BONG- Scientists from the University of West Babbacombe this morning published a report which they say reveals for the first time the laxative effects of forests. Professor Dmitri Van Fukov, who led the research team, explained "We have found that a collection of trees, or a 'forest', can make people shit like badgers. This particularly affects those from the West Country, and people with long hair". James Huffle-Wankeybotham of the Devon Union of Male Perm Stylists (DUMPS) dismissed the findings as "Piffle. Absolute rubbish. Excuse me, but I need a crap. Did you have to arrange the interview in the middle of Delamere, you cretin?"
AND FINALLY- The US Army have revealed their latest weapon in the War against Bad Stuff. Codenamed 'Stealth Goat', the weapon is a goat shaped robot, which explodes upon being tampered with in the nether regions. Introducing the weapon, President George Bush said "Everyone knows bad guys like messin' with animals an' stuff. If we send these robots into eminny territory, we's bound to get lots of the baddies, and protect our national interests". The project has proved controversial amongst Americans, after it emerged that 24 people had died in tests of the weapon. Weapons Expert Keith Harrison-Orville said "Well, they were asking for trouble testing it in Idaho". Meanwhile, a Red Cross centre in Afghanistan has reported a plague of mechanical goats falling from the sky. General Pete Lebowszky, in charge of US operations in Afghanistan, said "This incident may or may not be the new weapon. I dont know. I blame the baddies". Chris was said to be too busy washing her hands to comment.