"I'm in Dudley, where a group of guerilla rebels are on the warpath, demanding independence for Dudley, West Bromwich and Stourbridge. The rebels, led by former T.V. weathergirl Wincey Willis, and including Jeremy Spake and Robert Kilroy Silk among their number, call themselves the D.R.A.: the Dudley Republican Army, although they are known locally as 'Wincey's Angels'. Already today, one band of rebels has stormed a Kwik Save store in Wombourne, armed with jars of pickled eggs and an oven ready turkey each, causing several pounds' worth of damage. A spokesman for the group, known only as 'Scrattock', told me "we shall not rest until we have secured independence for Dudley. The British Government have been bleeding our country dry for centuries, giving nothing in return. Dudley is at the centre of the earth, you know." For their part, the government are locked in talks with Willis and her negotiators, and one senior source, who couldn't be named until the government said so, told me that these talks were at an advanced stage - the only stumbling block being whether the rebels would be willing to take Wolverhampton, too.

Rumours that the Dudley rebels may have a cache of weapons of mass destruction, or 'weapons of mass improvement', as they are known in the West Midlands, so far appear to be unfounded, although D.C.I Fred Bollocktender from Stourbridge CID told me that the group have sourced a 'substantial amount' of Bird's custard from a dealer in the Merseyside area, which it is feared may be used in terrorist attacks on Birmingham.

Former Ugandan dictator Idi Amin, who lastyear attempted to declare the Independent Republic of Twemlowstan in a park in Clacton, took time out from filming his new Channel 5 show, 'The World's Wackiest Car Chase Videos Involving a Fascist Dictator', to offer these words of support to the DRA: "You go, fellas. I can't wait until I can go on my hols to Dudley, the fascist capital of the globe. Can I have my fee now?"

This is not the first contraversial move involving Willis: last October she was charged with mass genocide and 6 counts of illegal parking after boring people to death on her 'Wincey's Wonders' lecture tour, in which she discussed the merits of various brands of trouser press, and was only released after offering sexual favours to 57 police officers. She has also recently been sentenced to 12 months watching 'and Audience with Richard Whitely' for aggravated goat parading, after a goat-chasing spree lasting 14 days around the streets of Bristol.

Although the government is willing to talk to the rebels, privately there is concern that other regions of Britain could follow suit, including some that actually would be a loss to the nation. There is already unrest in Bognor Regis, where the militant Bognor W.I. have been threatening to publish a nude calendar if their demands for devolution aren't met, and a group calling themselves the Keith Chegwin fan club have established a military base in Chorlton-cum-Hardy.

Neil Hannon, for Twemlow Head News, Dduley."